MySpace... not just for pedophiles anymore!

It was only a matter of time...

Union Beer Co. began. We delivered divinely palatable brews from our gaping, pulsating wombs. Life was born. We brewed the world's first Rose Ale. We danced. We grew and secured locals in the four corners of the world. Portland. Eugene. Atlanta. Togo. We started a beer war. We destroyed Roots Brewing (almost). We blogged and began to conquer the literary world. We raised a Celtic Uprising. We single handedly saved Chris Brown's career. We got sued by Prince for using his likeness. We kept dancing. We prepared to enter into our first contest. We prepared for suicide if we shall lose. We prepared our Mo Money Mo Problems suits if we shall win. And now... another monumental step in this prodigious climb to greatness...

MY-F'ING-SPACE!!!!

That's right! Union Beer Co. now has MySpace. 

We know what you are all saying, "But MySpace is for pedophiles! You guys aren't pedophiles... are you?" 

No, we aren't. I understand that there are a lot of pedophiles on MySpace...

"A LOT."

...but we aren't pedophiles just because we have MySpace. We are the exact opposites. In fact, we have joined MySpace to save the kids from those sick freaks out there. 

"But how are you going to do this?" You ask. "Having MySpace is pretty pedophiliac. I'm still not convinced that you aren't pedophiles."

Hey, screw you. We aren't. Want us to prove it? To show how just much we AREN'T pedophiles, we are going to ask as many young men and women on MySpace to be our friends as we can. When we become online friends, we will ask them nice questions like "How was your day?" and "Do you want any candy?" We will become their "older cool online friends" that will protect them from all those "older cool online perverts" out there.  

"But how are you going to get these kids to become friends? Is this just a ploy to cover up your pedophilia?" 

You just don't know when to stop, do you? And, anyways, we have a flawless plan to become their friends. We are going to tell the kids that we are the fifth and sixth members of Panic At The Disco. Peter plays the pan-flute. Evan plays the second bass. 

"This is getting weird. I am beginning to think that you guys are..."

FOR CHISSAKES! WE AREN'T PEDOPHILES!

We just have MySpace now, Ok? Chill the fuck out.