We here at Union Beer Co. were as shocked as anyone upon hearing about the arrest of R'n'B superstar and Union Beer Co. spokesman Chris Brown for what reports have deemed a so-called "assault." From what we have read, Brown attacked an "unnamed woman" in a "parked car," presumably a Hummer with bad-ass rims, parked presumably for Brown to practice his dance moves, while presumably listening to "Forever." Another of his sponsors, Wrigley, has already suspended Breezy's Doublement ad campaign, putting an end to what many have called the single greatest ad song ever written (With a close second on many list being the classic "Five Dollar Foot-Longs").
I received a phone call from Mr. Brown today pleading for Union Beer Co.'s support during this tough time. After much consideration, Union Beer Co. would like to announce it is firmly behind Mr. Breezy as he fights these malicious allegations. After all, our other R'n'B spokesman hasn't had a hit in years and Charlie Wilson has yet to respond to our offers.
But not only will we stand behind Mr. Breezy, we will boisterously voice our opinions of his innocence with our new "FREE CHRIS BREEZY!" campaign. Some people have criticized this campaign as simply taking advantage of a terrible situation, well to those critics we say, "Did you see B-Roy's buzzer beater yesterday?"
We will be selling "FREE CHRIS BREEZY!" T-Shirts at our official Union Beer Co. store for the conveniently cheap price of $8.99! All proceeds will go to help the unemployed. Heck, while you are at the shop, pick up a sweet Stein or maybe an awesome "Live Beer" Thong (just in time for Valentine's Day).
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And now, to get pumped for No Way Out this Sunday:
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