You aren't seeing things. That is an actual screenshot of an email from Bill O'Reilly himself! He is thanking Union Beer Co. for our "kind words" that we sent. While he speaks in size 36 font, apparently Mr. O'Reilly only types in size 6 font. First name basis mother fuckers! Here's the email we sent to him:
Bill,
While we may disagree with a lot of your opinions, Union Beer Co. strongly admires the passion you have for your ideas and the tenacious personality you have to back them.
Union Beer Co. began. We delivered divinely palatable brews from our gaping, pulsating wombs. Life was born. We brewed the world's first Rose Ale. We danced. We grew and secured locals in the four corners of the world. Portland. Eugene. Atlanta. Togo. We started a beer war. We destroyed Roots Brewing (almost). We blogged and began to conquer the literary world. We raised a Celtic Uprising. We single handedly saved Chris Brown's career. We got sued by Prince for using his likeness. We kept dancing. We prepared to enter into our first contest. We prepared for suicide if we shall lose. We prepared our Mo Money Mo Problems suits if we shall win. And now... another monumental step in this prodigious climb to greatness...
We know what you are all saying, "But MySpace is for pedophiles! You guys aren't pedophiles... are you?"
No, we aren't. I understand that there are a lot of pedophiles on MySpace...
"A LOT."
...but we aren't pedophiles just because we have MySpace. We are the exact opposites. In fact, we have joined MySpace to save the kids from those sick freaks out there.
"But how are you going to do this?" You ask. "Having MySpace is pretty pedophiliac. I'm still not convinced that you aren't pedophiles."
Hey, screw you. We aren't. Want us to prove it? To show how just much we AREN'T pedophiles, we are going to ask as many young men and women on MySpace to be our friends as we can. When we become online friends, we will ask them nice questions like "How was your day?" and "Do you want any candy?" We will become their "older cool online friends" that will protect them from all those "older cool online perverts" out there.
"But how are you going to get these kids to become friends? Is this just a ploy to cover up your pedophilia?"
You just don't know when to stop, do you? And, anyways, we have a flawless plan to become their friends. We are going to tell the kids that we are the fifth and sixth members of Panic At The Disco. Peter plays the pan-flute. Evan plays the second bass.
"This is getting weird. I am beginning to think that you guys are..."
Now, I don't know much about being a Webmaster, but apparently I am the Webmaster of this blog and I am able to look at stats about unionbeerco.blogspot.com. For example, I could see that on one day a week ago we had 26 views on the blog. Wow! I can't even think of 26 people I know. That stat I understand, but other stats leave me confused, such as the 1 "Not Found crawl error" we have had. I want whoever encountered this error to expose their identity so we can make fun of them, because it is a hell of a thing to "not find" something when there IS ONLY ONE PAGE TO LOOK ON.
But the stat that sticks out to me the most is our "Top Search Queries." Now, once again, I have no idea what this means, but this stat is absolutely mind-boggling. There is only one thing listed on "Top Search Queries," and it is "prince lovesexy," of which we are in the position of "10".
Let me show you the image that comes up when one searches for "prince lovesexy":
All I can say is thank you! We are in the #10 position for the unbelievably beautiful picture "prince lovesexy!" It is, of course, a so-so Prince album, but ranks up in the Top 5 for Prince album covers. Union Beer Co. would not be anywhere, let alone in the #10 "prince lovesexy" position of Top Search Queries, without you the fans! This is such an honor.
I've got to think several parts of our blog lead to this prestigious #10 ranking. But, undoubtedly, the biggest posting had to have been the Founder's Photo Outtakes. I assume the first two words out of people's mouths when they saw the photos was both "prince" and "lovesexy," which they probably than typed into their search engines, hoping to find more Photo of the Founders.
The weirdest thing is that when Mr. Trapp left after the shoot Mr. Stephens stayed around and took a couple of Official CFO photos. They bear a strange resemblance to the "Lovesexy" photo. See for yourself:
Since it is apparently "against the law" to sell a T-Shirt with Chris Breezy's image on it, we were forced to pull the "FREE CHRIS BREEZY!" shirts from our online store. I'm sorry, since we are the last endorsement deal Breezy has left I thought we officially owned the rights to his name and likeness (like our name was JBL).
Instead, we have come up with the new, completely original, "WITNESS." campaign. Get your own "WITNESS." t-shirt at our online store for the cheap price of $8.99.
While Union Beer Co. will forever be your provider of world class beers and world class intellect, we strive to be even more. Even more, you ask? We want to be a lifestyle choice, kind of like homosexuality (relax, that's a joke). In our new UBC Lifestyle columns we will answer your emails, tell you what you should be outraged about, and tell you what music you should be listening to. You will never have to think again! Uhhh, you're welcome.
NEWS & NOTES
GREG ODEN'S GIGANTIC HORSE DONG EDITION
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First up is the new 5$ on ANY Footlong sub at Subway. I have long been a fan of the regular 5$ Footlongs (and, as previously mentioned, the jingle is the joint), but I was always a little disturbed that the Turkey sub was not a part of this terrific deal. The Turkey sub would normally cost around a dollar more for the footlong. Really Subway? Just give me a damn 5$ Turkey Sub already. Well, it looks like they have heard my pleas as they introduced, for a limited time only, 5$ ON ANY FOOTLONG! Wow what a deal! Any footlong? The Philly Cheesesteak is like 9$ for a footlong. Now it will cost only 5$! I believe that the Philly Cheesesteak constitutes as "ANY" footlong. Right? Wrong. "By 5$ for ANY footlong, we meant 5$ on SOME footlongs," claims Subway. What the shit?! The Philly Cheesesteak is a "Premium" sub, so obviously it is not just "ANY" sub.
That's just false advertising, homie.
Well, I guess if I want a 5$ Philly Cheesesteak footlong I'll have to go to Greg Oden's house. (I'm talking about his huge dong! Get it?)
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Steve Blake welcomed his second son into the world on Wednesday. While I will leave most of the Blake bashing to Co-Founder Peter Stephens for a later post, I must address one thing. Blake named his child Jamison Miles Blake. What a slap in the face of the franchise. Miles? As in Darius Miles? Former Trail Blazer who screwed the Blazers out of millions? The "Little Nazi," as he is affectionately called by teammate Joel Pryzbilla, just doesn't care anymore. I don't want this guy anywhere near Greg Oden or Greg Oden's dong (which is gigantic and horse-like, see above).
In the glorious words of our CFO, Mr. Stephens, "Cut him!"
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And in music news... the triumphant return of Charlie Wilson! All hail the king! And Snoop is in the video, too! Hooray!
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Union Beer Co. will be holding some sort of contest in the coming weeks with the winning prize being a special edition 22oz. Wolfe Tone Irish Stout, autographed by both founders. Yes, these pictures are not doctored at all. I actually got to sit in the same room of both Mr. Stephens and Mr. Trapp. And, might I add, they are hotter in real life!
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One last reminder, in honor of the Champ John Cena and his jorts (jean-shorts, for the uninformed), we will be wearing jorts all weekend. Look, Tim Tebow is already in on it! Check out jorts.com for more jort-inspired ideas.
We here at Union Beer Co. were as shocked as anyone upon hearing about the arrest of R'n'B superstar and Union Beer Co. spokesman Chris Brown for what reports have deemed a so-called "assault." From what we have read, Brown attacked an "unnamed woman" in a "parked car," presumably a Hummer with bad-ass rims, parked presumably for Brown to practice his dance moves, while presumably listening to "Forever." Another of his sponsors, Wrigley, has already suspended Breezy's Doublement ad campaign, putting an end to what many have called the single greatest ad song ever written (With a close second on many list being the classic "Five Dollar Foot-Longs").
I received a phone call from Mr. Brown today pleading for Union Beer Co.'s support during this tough time. After much consideration, Union Beer Co. would like to announce it is firmly behind Mr. Breezy as he fights these malicious allegations. After all, our other R'n'B spokesman hasn't had a hit in years and Charlie Wilson has yet to respond to our offers.
But not only will we stand behind Mr. Breezy, we will boisterously voice our opinions of his innocence with our new "FREE CHRIS BREEZY!" campaign. Some people have criticized this campaign as simply taking advantage of a terrible situation, well to those critics we say, "Did you see B-Roy's buzzer beater yesterday?"
We will be selling "FREE CHRIS BREEZY!" T-Shirts at our official Union Beer Co. store for the conveniently cheap price of $8.99! All proceeds will go to help the unemployed. Heck, while you are at the shop, pick up a sweet Stein or maybe an awesome "Live Beer" Thong (just in time for Valentine's Day).
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And now, to get pumped for No Way Out this Sunday:
